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Friday, March 21, 2008

How to Poop at Work............

An important Public Service Announcement.
Click comments or the title to read this remarkable story!!!

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  1. HOW TO POOP AT WORK

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
    convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who
    hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
    at work.

    CROP DUSTING:
    When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
    your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
    from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
    been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
    your pants.
    FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
    in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
    leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a

    FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you
    constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
    or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
    wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
    Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
    urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
    uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
    parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
    pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
    should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
    the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
    the water.This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up
    the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
    SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
    you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
    moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
    pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can
    be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is
    damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter
    the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always
    look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Po oper before entering
    the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band
    together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
    group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
    Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the
    building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
    predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper
    of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the
    stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking
    and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If
    this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
    you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
    that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to
    cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The
    Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
    Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that
    the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
    immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when
    hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
    in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
    Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
    forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of
    the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to
    relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the
    bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom
    attendees.

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